what are we doing? when? is there food? because these details will significantly affect my enthusiasm and my choice of footwear.
somehow though, that conversation never quite happens.
you keep saturday free because you might be catching up. you don’t book anything because you’re waiting to hear. you check your phone. do a bit of washing. check your phone again.
then it’s four o’clock and you’ve spent the day being available.
which is a fairly shit activity, as activities go.
there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to spend your weekend with. i love having someone to go to lunch with. someone to suggest a walk. someone to say “shall we get another?” when we both know we absolutely shall.
but keeping your whole weekend free in case someone wants to see you can leave you with very little to look forward to.
and your time deserves a bit more consideration than that.
i talk about going anyway a lot. usually there’s a trip involved or somewhere beautiful in the background. but going anyway applies to saturday lunch too.
you don’t need a boarding pass to start making decisions about how you want to spend your life.
sometimes you just need to book the bloody table.
work out what you actually want
before you book yourself an ambitious itinerary, ask what you need.
are you tired? bored? lonely? desperate to get outside? have you spent the whole week talking to people and would quite like everyone to leave you alone?
be honest because the answers matter.
if you’re craving company, two nights in a remote cabin might give you a beautiful view and considerably more time to think about wanting company.
if you’re exhausted, getting up at five for a hike you don’t particularly want to do is a strange act of kindness towards yourself.
ask yourself:
what would make me glad i did something this weekend?
maybe it’s seeing a friend properly. maybe it’s getting out of town. maybe it’s having a good meal you didn’t cook and won’t have to clean up after.
start there.
you don’t have to come home transformed. having a lovely afternoon is enough.
choose one thing you can actually put in the calendar
“i should get out more” leaves quite a lot of room for staying home.
“i’m going to the markets at nine on saturday” gives you somewhere to be.
choose one thing you genuinely want to do. a walk. lunch. a class. a drive somewhere you’ve been meaning to visit.
and choose something you would still enjoy if nobody came.
this is important. if you take yourself to an activity you never wanted to do, you may come home thinking you’re terrible at being alone.
you might just hate the activity.
there is no requirement to become a woman who does pottery because you are trying to have a fuller life. you can be a woman who books lunch.
stop sending invitations nobody can answer
“we need to catch up” is a lovely sentiment that can apparently survive several financial years without becoming a plan.
give people something specific.
“i’m going to the markets on saturday and getting coffee afterwards. want to come?”
“i fancy lunch on sunday. are you free at one? i’m booking tomorrow.”
“want to go for a walk on saturday morning? nothing heroic. coffee afterwards.”
say what you mean. especially about the walk.
how far? how steep? because i am dressed for a cappuccino and you appear to be preparing to locate a missing person.
being clear makes it easier for people to say yes. it also makes it easier for them to tell you they can’t come so you can get on with organising yourself.
and if you really want company, you’re allowed to say that too.
“i’d love to see someone this weekend. are you free for dinner?”
you don’t have to pretend you’re completely indifferent to whether anyone turns up.
give “maybe” a reasonable expiry date
people are busy. they have children, work, family and things going on you might know nothing about.
sometimes they genuinely can’t give you an answer yet.
you can understand that and still need to organise your own weekend.
“no worries. i need to book by thursday afternoon so let me know by then. otherwise we’ll find another day.”
perfectly friendly. perfectly reasonable.
then when thursday afternoon comes, make your decision.
don’t quietly extend the deadline until saturday lunch because you’re hoping they’ll suddenly become available.
if they reply after you’ve organised something else:
“i’ve made plans now but let’s find another date.”
you haven’t started a feud. you’ve organised your saturday.
sort out the bit you’re worried about
people say “just go by yourself” as though the person asking has never considered this groundbreaking option.
usually there’s a particular bit making you hesitate.
walking into the restaurant. sitting down alone. wondering what to do with yourself between ordering and the food arriving.
make that bit easier.
for dinner, i like an early sitting. a bar stool can be great or a table where you feel comfortable. you can ask when you book.
take your book if you want to. look at the menu before you go. work out how you’re getting home.
when you arrive, say:
“hi, i have a booking for one under jen.”
that’s it.
you don’t need to explain that your friends were busy or that you’re actually very popular under different circumstances.
you have a booking. you’re there for dinner.
if a whole meal feels like too much, start with coffee. sit down for twenty minutes. next time you might stay for lunch.
you’re allowed to ease yourself into things.
make it fit your actual budget
going anyway can mean a walk and coffee from home.
it does not have to mean checking into a boutique hotel every time your friends are unavailable. lovely though that sounds.
decide what you can comfortably spend before you start looking.
remember petrol, parking and getting home. the lunch you thought was reasonable can become quite a different outing once you’ve added everything else.
if the weekend away costs too much, make it a day trip. if lunch is a stretch, get a coffee and go somewhere beautiful.
you can make an ordinary outing feel like an occasion without making monday financially unpleasant.
wear the outfit. take the photo. enjoy being there.
have something in mind for afterwards
sometimes the outing is fine. it’s coming home to a completely empty afternoon that feels a bit flat.
give yourself something gentle to come back to.
food in the fridge. a movie you want to watch. clean sheets. a phone call with someone you love.
you don’t need every hour accounted for but it helps to have an answer to “what now?”
and if you feel lonely for a bit, you’re allowed to.
you can enjoy a lovely lunch and still wish someone had been sitting opposite you. both can be true.
have something to eat. put your phone down for a while. call someone if that’s what you need.
try not to let an uncomfortable half hour become evidence that you should never have left the house.
if someone cancels, decide what you still want
of course it’s disappointing when you were looking forward to seeing someone.
before you abandon the whole day though, ask whether you still want to do any of it.
would you enjoy the lunch? could you do the shorter walk? would someone else like to come?
sometimes the whole point was spending time with that particular person. fair enough. rearrange it.
but sometimes you still want the outing and you’ve already found your shoes.
you can keep the booking.
here’s what to do before this weekend
open your calendar and answer these:
what do i actually need?
company, rest, fun or a change of scenery?
what is one thing i’d enjoy doing?
be specific.
when am i doing it and what can i spend?
choose a time and a comfortable limit.
who would i like to invite?
send them an actual plan.
what will i do if they can’t come?
decide before you find yourself waiting all saturday.
then make one move that puts it in motion. send the message. check the opening hours. book the table.
you can still be spontaneous. you can still change your mind. and you can absolutely spend a weekend at home if that’s what you want.
but choose it.
because staying home with your book and happily ignoring the world feels quite different from sitting there hoping the world remembers to invite you.
your weekend is yours too.
give yourself something to look forward to.
happy thursday. i hope you have a nice weekend x