i’m not sure applying for a job on the other side of the world is everyone’s response to heartbreak.

but it was mine.

my heart was broken. i applied to be a tour guide in europe. that decision turned into three years working for topdeck and a part of my life i still miss.

at the time, i didn’t know it was going to be so good for me. i just knew i wanted to go.

i think we sometimes look back at these decisions and make ourselves sound much braver or more certain than we actually were.

i wasn’t applying because i had everything worked out.

i was applying with a broken heart.

apparently i was now responsible for other people

there is something quite useful about having a coach full of people relying on you when you’ve been spending far too much time thinking about one person.

you might be sad, but everyone still needs somewhere to sleep.

there were hotels to organise, activities to book, cities to learn about and budgets to manage. people had questions. plans changed. things needed sorting out.

i had a job to do.

my world had felt very small for a while. suddenly there was so much happening outside my own head.

i was learning. working. meeting people. seeing places i’d wanted to see.

i was getting on with my life, even before i necessarily felt ready to.

i needed to remember what i was capable of

heartbreak can make you question yourself in ways that have very little to do with the actual relationship.

you start wondering whether you’re enough. whether you’re too much. whether you should have been different.

working as a tour guide gave me other things to measure myself by.

could i organise a tour? manage a problem? make a decision? look after people?

yes. i could.

i had responsibilities and a life of my own to be proud of.

there’s something really good about discovering that while you’re still hurting. you don’t have to wait until you feel completely confident to find out you’re capable.

sometimes you find out because you’ve already said yes and now you have to bloody well work it out.

three years i still miss

i loved that chapter of my life.

europe still gets me. every year i don’t go back, i miss it.

i miss the travel. i miss having somewhere new to go. i miss doing work that meant being part of other people’s adventures.

what started with heartbreak became something i loved for its own sake.

i’m glad i applied. i’m glad i went. i’m glad i gave myself the chance to have a life i couldn’t have pictured from where i was sitting at the time.

when your heart is broken

i’m not suggesting you need to move overseas.

although i can personally recommend giving yourself something else to think about.

start with something you actually want to do. a night away. dinner somewhere lovely. a weekend you’ve been saving for when you have someone to go with.

you might still feel sad while you’re there. you might have a moment where you wish they were beside you.

that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have gone.

you can miss someone and enjoy your dinner. you can have a cry and still get up the next morning to explore somewhere new.

you don’t have to be completely healed to start doing things for yourself.

i applied with a broken heart.

i got three years of a life i loved.

i couldn’t have known that when i sent the application. but i’m very glad i sent it.